Sobriety has brought me one fantastic gift. My brain. The irony is, it hasn’t actually brought me anything, physically. It was always there. It was just dusty, unused and clouded, like a mucky soup. My brain used to work against me when I was drinking every day. It used to turn on me, when I thought it was my best friend. When we were both light-headed and free. We’d be having a great time together, running on the dopamine dance and enjoying everything and everyone we were in the company of. That is, until it would turn on me. Negative thoughts would completely flood my mind, and the paranoia would set in. “Why are they talking about me?” “Why is everyone staring at me, I’m only having a good time – geez lighten up, you’re so boring” blah blah blah etc. Alcohol made me incredibly self important, self obsessed and paranoid. Fact. I think back now, and maybe, just maybe my poor brain was trying to turn on me, to make me stop. Plead with me, to not have that one extra drink. To not go to the shop in my pyjamas, half cut and grab another bottle of Merlot.
My day 61 sober brain is much more of a friend to me. The paranoia and negative thoughts are slowly floating away, alongside all inhibitions to drink. We are becoming a lot more unified, stronger and working through things together. We look at the bigger picture, the future, and try really hard not to beat ourselves up about the past. We may even say, excited about the future. Bugger it, WE ARE EXCITED.
I love to write. I love to write sober. I used to think I needed a glass of something red to write. Edit: something red, white, pink or 13% and above to write. That it would give me inspiration, and new ideas. That my brain would catapult me into a literary world where words, sentences and phrases would all merge together to create something brilliant. This never actually happened. I would just spend hours reeling off obscure words, and make them all try and fit together, like a broken jigsaw with so many dislodged pieces.
I created this new space this afternoon, my space. The beginning of something beautiful. No alcohol was consumed in the making of this space. I remember everything.